Step into my world

Tragic love story

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 19:54:54 GMT

I used to believe in magic, love, fairytales, happily ever after, and everything that I thought to be powerful. Now I don't even know what to believe in anymore. Love has broken me down so many times and just ripped what little pieces I had up into so much more. I understand you only get so many chances to find love, but is there really such a thing as everyone has one person out there meant for them. I stopped believing I could ever get so lucky to find someone to sweep me off my feet and take all my pieces and make them whole for once. It makes me feel like such a fool to think that I will ever truly understand the beauty of being whole. I know that the only piece I am missing is being a mother and a wife. I know that I say I'm not ready and I am right. I'm not ready to really settle down and get married and have childern, but in the same respects I'm not ready to give up am I!

I start watching all kinds of sad episodes of my favorite shows about magic and see where love has abandoned the hero. I start just weeping because I feel just like them. I feel like I am having to watch love grabbed from me and taken far away. I know that it's just tv or movies, but I'm a hopeless romantic in an industirial time to where love no longer exsists. I don't expect my every fantasy to be fulfilled or even to find some kind of Prince who will give me my fairytale happily ever after. If it's always peaches and cream then it's not worth having. I need the conflict and obsticles if you will for it to be worth it. If I am just handed what I want and desire then what makes it worth having. Easy is never right. But unfit is not right either. I have come to the conclusion I will hardly ever make it in the industry as anything. As much as I want to be a musican or actress..I have delt with the reality of it being quite far from my reach and I do understand that. I just really don't see how if I can't have one dream then why is it that my only other dream keeps falling apart.

If I am meant to be alone and not destined to have a family then why do I have a heart so full of love and bursting for a family. Why do I love kids so much and why do I want childern so much. It's just something that I'm having a really hard time trying to grasp this concept. If I am not meant to be a wife/mother then why is that something that I am so good at. I just don't see why I want love and wish so hard for it, but it always ends up messed up. If I really wanted a "happily ever after" I could have stayed with Preston or Powell or hell even Chris. I would have gotten the family I always wanted...and probably even my dream wedding, but I would have never been truly happy. If I had stayed with any of the guys I was with "in love" with or any of that clouded belief.....I could almost guarentee divorce. That's just how things happen. I don't want just anyone! I don't care about an almost perfect fit or even close enough! I will NOT settle for just anyone. I want to be with someone who makes me happy and brings me to ectasy. Even if he is not the most romantic guy or even the guy who remembers everything. I just want someone who wants me and can't imagine his life without me.

Damnit is that too much for me to be asking for?

It just won't stop

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 15:05:07 GMT

No one is seeming to understand how it feels. My family is walking out on me again....but this time it's not my fault. No one is just letting me be sad and hurt. I decided to draw again and ya know what....this time when I woke up from it...I only felt a sting when I took off the bandage. It doesn't work anymore. Bleeding....trying to drain the venmon out of me.....it's still there. The hurt the pain the agony....the want to just crawl into a little ball and pretend the world doesn't exsist and never come out. I know cutting is bad...blah blah blah. But fuck you...it's that or turn back into the druggie I once was only this time I will start adding some alcohol to the mix. I can't help but cry almost everytime I look at myself. I don't see me or who I was. I just see this ugly toad staring back at me and nothing is changing that. I feel like locking myself in my dungeon and not coming out. Somewhere were it's dark, cold, and full of despair. Atleast there I don't have to look at myself. Where as when I walk into the world....I feel my insecurities and my flaws....and i know that if I know they are there everyone else will see them. I just can't do this anymore. No more pain.....I really just want to end. Stop everything....and be done! I don't want to be the little ant getting fried by the magnifying glass.

OKay so wtf?!?!?

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 16:43:35 GMT

I don't fucking get it. It's almost like I'm not supposed to understand it. I stopped dreaming again, or so I thought. I finally figured how to control it. I don't dream ALL night long and then during my morning wake...where I get up with my alarm goes off and then hit the snooze alarm for an extra 15 minutes and sleep some more. TECHINCALLY you aren't supposed to be able to slip into rim in that little of time and in rim is the only place you can dream. So I know that I shouldn't be dreaming yet I am and I'm not sure how that one is possible. I have already figured out the meaning of the first one....severe mood swing and then lack of enjoyment....thus frusteration and some how it had to be realeased and if that means it's released by a sexual dream over someone I admire then thats how it's released...doesn't mean that I want lusting after them. It's just a form of letting go. Basically it's the way for me to get rid of some built up issues...whether it's sexual frusterations or anger or whatever...sometimes it doesn't have to have ANYTHING to really do with sex it's just an easy topic to use. Dreams are a very odd thing to interpt. It wasn't until the one this morning that makes me think I know what's going on. Cause I know I went crazy with dreams over the weekend. One about my best friend winning and getting to be truly happy and in love and another about being with someone only that someone doesn't remain that someone (okay well in all tech's he never was him in my dream I just wanted to believe he was. Same this morning. I wanted SO badly to believe the man in my dreams was him, but not because he's who my heart wants but because it's the easy choice. Every time he's been someone different, but it's always someone I know. Okay well the physicaly appearence but only that. Never the voice or the eyes or the feeling. Today was just so trippy....I almost didn't want to wake up. The whole basics The boy and I are watching a movie with my niece then she's called up to dinner with everyone and I walk her up there. The boy jumps into my comfy recliner and I walk back into my room. He's sitting there smiling at me and I walk over to him and jump on him we're play fighting and then I try to bite him and well it's kind of retarded I bite his nipple and he responds with no...only you like that. Then he pulls me into his arms to lay down and we start mildly making out. Someone walks down the stairs and we stop and my brother says mom wants me upstairs and I walk upstairs and she wants me to join dinner and then my sister-n-law askes how my longer the boy is in town and I say only til morning and then gone for 6 months again. She sends me back down stairs and argues with my mom and wins. Then I get back down stairs and he just looks at me and says he doesn't want to have to leave me again. I know it's crazy, but first he looks chris then robert then trent and then John. It's really crazy through all my dreams that's how it's gone he just changes from one guy to another. And only ONE of those guys do I actually want to be with. I just don't think I stand a chance in hell and well...yeah. It's just crazy cause the eyes look like shawn and the voice sounds like him and I feel like I am with him again. It's hard and scary okay. I guess I'm tired of simple and easy. I want a damn challenge. A guy who's going to push me. Hell I'm not even it the mood to get into all the requirements I want. But ya know.....I think they are all valid!

the point is?

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 06:21:07 GMT

What the hell is the damned point? That is my big question. Why can't I find happiness? It's just starting to really grate my mind about everything. Who I am? Who I want to be? Why I'm with certain guys? Why I won't really let myself fight? How I've changed?

Stupid questions to some, but to me they make sense. I have given up so much and changed so many of my beliefs and thoughts and ways of life. I used to be the girl that once I got bored....then later! I had a strict rule about dating and who I dated. I always played guitar. I loved to sing and dancing was the only way I would move. So I'm just a little bit curious to what happened so where down this road to make me so bitter and hateful. I am sure that everyone thinks that I'm just being dramtic and emo, but well fuck you I'm not. It's just I hate the holidays...because of well the fucking joy and happy people! I can't think of a time in my life where the holidays meant anything more to me the materials. Okay well now..it's different. I can't stand them! I don't want to be apart of them I just want to RUN! I guess I'm a little cynical...or well more then just a little. I know it's got a lot to do with losing my Grandda. It was really hard. But that's not the ONLY reason. I guess it's just really hard on me because I really want to be able to spend the holidays with family and friends and someone I truely care about. That just never happens. No matter what I try, it just never happens. I understand tho. So I've learned to deal. And I think that has become one of my biggest problems. I'm just dealing. I'm not fighting and I'm SURE as hell not backing down anymore. That is my problem. It used to be I wouldn't settle for anything less that what I want. I would fight like crazy to make sure I got it too. I would argue and fight and SCREAM until I won. And I don't mean that in the sense that I would attack people til they did what I wanted. I mean that when it came to being happy....I made sure that if I couldn't find someone who could make me that way....well then I just simply made sure I was the one making me happy.

Okay so I'm single...no biggie. So I'm a little unhappy, but that's only cause I'm alone. But it was always so much nicer than being with someone who it was completely fake in the end. I guess I'm just really not happy with my outcome. I know what I want, who I want, and how I want things to be. I'm just not making it happen. I'm sitting here waiting for it to come to me which is something I just can't do any longer.

That's why I'm just like really wanting to pack up and leave and NEVER come back......

I want to run

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 15:37:44 GMT

I like that no one reads my LJ or responds to my dramatic posts. It's nice knowing that I can vent and let everything out and not have to worry that someone is going to read it and get all bend out of shape and be retarded to me. I understand that sometimes I make comments/statements in my posts about it, but that's merely because I have some "friends" that like to harp on me for things and not open their eyes and just be happy for me. So...yeah!

I know this is something I shouldn't be unhappy over or be be getting angery over, but come on folks this is me...I'm not ready to settle down and get married or EVER come close to that. I know what I want in a guy, but it seems that I'm not getting but one piece of it. Every guy I seem to date only has one of the qualities that I want....okay, wait rephrase....they don't have MANY of oh the ones I want and most of the time the ones the do have are the ones I don't want as DOMINATE! And it seems that if I get a guy that has some of the right dominating qualities.....HE'S A FUCKING PANSY! Look I'm not a girly girl. I know this....and once you get to know me you learn it too. So why is it....that I become the guy in the relationship when I end up with nice guys. Granted the only things that I find currently wrong with Chris is just the simple fact of lack of expirence. So it's not something WORTH breaking up over. I know since he doesn't have really any expirence having a girlfriend that to him it's going to last forever. And then there is me who goes through guys like I go through water.....there pretty much is an endless supply of them folks...and I'm just getting a fair taste. I really like Chris...hell I'll go ahead and admitt that I love him, but in the same record with that one...I know that just loving someone doesn't mean you are going to marry them and live forever with them. IE Daniel Powell, Shawn Jermiah, Garreth Russell. Three guys who told me they loved me....wanted to never let me go....and all of them left. Two of them in a classic tradition of most guys. I know that sometimes I push the guy away and am the reason it gets ruined. But if you know me you also know that has something to do with losing Shawn. Basically I'm going to try my damnedest not to let this one get as messed up as the rest of them. But sadly reality is a bitch and I know that sometimes what you really want to happen doesn't and can't. I know in my heart how I truely feel about Chris and how happy he makes me. I might not be showing it, but he knows why...we have talked about it. I also know tho, that I can't see us married. I want to travel...EVERYWHERE. I want to be a musican, I want to be an actress, I want to be on stage, I want to live in the city....I want the fast life. He's not that kind of person. He is really laid back, relaxed, beach-goer type. That's what I like about him, but at the same time....in long long term it's not going to work. I know I'm planning on moving to California at one point. As much as Tony will probably yell at me for it....well he can yell. I want a new atmosphere, I want new people and places, I want a chance to live somewhere that I think can finally fill my dreams. Granted I still want to go to Boston and N.Y.C. again, but I can't live there. California is the place for me. Big surf, Big Chances, New Life. I'm sure Chris would go with me, but I can't ask him to do that. That's just my rule...don't ask someone to giv eup their life for you if you aren't willing to do the same. Same reason I wouldn't got with Preston to Oklahoma...I won't give up EVERYTHING I know for someone who I can't ask to do that same thing. I'm terrified when I think about leaving...and I know why. I'm not ready to go, but at the same time...I know I need to. It's funny what I always think about. I always thing who should I marry, who should I grow old with, who should I this or that. It's always funny my answer...it's never the same. But I do know that I've actually placed all my guy friends in that catagory. Only two of them do I see it as a possiblity. Which is very unnerving. I love them both, but as my brother! And now one of them is already engaged to another woman. So it's kind of hard on me sometimes thinking about it. I didn't even hear from him....I heard from his fiance display name on Myspace...it sucked! It seems like everyone is getting married these days. They are all growing up and leaving me behind....or well that's kind of how it feels sometimes.

I know I'm not ready to get married or grow up, but I'm also not ready to be alone. I mean I love my cousin susie and all....she's become almost one of my best confidants in the family, but I still don't want to be a little old lady, with two dogs (fluffy and kujo), and leaving alone...never married...no kids...really sad. Now susie is so happy with her life and I know she is..we've talked! But I won't be happy. I want kids..I want the mini van...I want the soccor practice! I want all that crap I make fun of all the time. The only reason I want it tho is I know that is the only piece of my heart missing. The love from my own child. It's weird how I figured it all out. How I learned that that was the one piece missing in my heart. My heart has already felt that amazing in love feeling forever feeling, but now it wants to know that special bond between mother and child. I understand that it can't be descibe, but I've seen it. In my sister and my niece. It's one of those feelings, where even when your life has pretty much fallen out from under you all it takes is your little one to come up to you and smile and everything is okay again. My niece has that effect on me sometimes. I won't really know it, but I'll just be having the worst day EVER! and then she starts giggling and playing with me and everything is okay again. I guess I want to know what it's like to have that unconditional love. I hope I will one day, but as for right now I know what has to come first. I have to find that guy who I want to spend forever with. I've not found him yet, but one day I will. Hell I may have actually found him and had NO clue then. Hopefully I won't realize too late.

No where's safe

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 15:25:55 GMT

So I'm not trying to complain on this one or really anything of that nature. All I am trying to do is just say what I want to say without dealing with stupid people reading it, misunderstanding what I say, and just taking it out of context way too far.

I'm so tired right now....I've not been sleeping, than again when did I ever sleep before? I used to never sleep before in high school. Hell IF I ever slept it was in class and because I was so exshausted. I'm not used to having a sleep schedule and that's a good thing. Lack of sleep has never posed a big threat to me before either. It hasn't been until the recent week that it's been bad. I know why to...and no it's no how late the boy keeps me up, hell I think he's the only reason I'm able to fall asleep before the sun. The hardest part of all of this is the fact of having to be up in the morning at like 7:30 and coming NO where near sleep until atleast 10:30 and having HARDLY any food what-so-ever in that time frame. I just wish the bitch from hell would learn to go to the store and buy groceries so that there is SOMETHING, ANYTHING to eat in the house. Not just this snack, diet, NONE filling bullshit she keeps. If it requires me to fill out a shopping list ONCE a week, damnit I will. It's not like it's that hard for me to sit down think of what I need to eat and what I should eat and make a short list. I'm not asking for all the other bs I need from the store......just FUCKING FOOD!!!!!!!!! It's really starting to take a serious toll on me.

Then it come down to work now. I need to fnd a job...a better one...and ONLY ONE. I can't keep this bullshit of two jobs up. I need just one. Somewhere that I can make the money I need and not have to worry about having to pinch and scrap EVERY damn week. But it seems that's how it always goes...not cause I have a bad shopping habit, but more because I'm ALWAYS buying good....I am always dropping money on getting something to eat cause I can't EVER find food at home. It's not like it's that hard to go to walmart....buy food....and restock the kitchen Hell if it's a matter of a list....I will make one EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!! It's just that I can't keep killing myself being up close to 15 to 20 hours A DAY and not making hardly anything.

Chris is honestly the best thing for me right now and the only thing saving my sanity. If I didn't have him in my life there is a really good chance that right about now I would be screaming and ripping my hair out. Just what little time I get with him....that I can stay awake for....is the only time I really during my week. It's just really nice being able to curl up on my couch, watch a movie, and lay in his arms. I think that's the only time I can really just take all the hell from my day and make it completely dissappear. I love him so much too.....and I'm not being dramtic or stupid. I just thank him for being in my life. He is the absolute greatest.

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 15:34:14 GMT

So I don't really care who you are reading this or what you might think of me after reading it, cause well most likely it will be misread and yeah....I'm only writing here so other friends won't read and start lecturing me. So nah!

So I'm not the MOST reliable of girlfriends and the most considerate in ways. I'm kind of the type that gets bored really easy, doesn't always think before acting, when alcohol is involved I tend to do stupid regretable things, and I don't always stick to my limits....especially when dating someone. However, I have met/am dating this amazing guy. I say that about all of them, but not ONE of them ever was able to get me to worry about what I'm gonna do, like this guy does. Example : I was out partying my lovely "supergirl" this weekend. I could have had SO many different oppertunities with a few people at the party, but I never even noticed that until a converstation I had about the party last night. No other guy there seemed to exsist...well besides my guy friends I knew there. I was so nervous that I would pull a me and get really toasted and friendly....and try hooking up with someone at that party. That's kind of the reason I was happy he couldn't be there...I didn't want my drunkness to kick in and well I ruin what we have. Not to sound like a whore (but I might) I'm not the girl who would really stop herself from having fun and drinking like she wants when I've only been dating a guy for like a week...I'm the type that it wouldn't matter to me and I would enjoy myself and well probably be stupid. Yet....I actually walked away from the party TWICE just to go call him and hear his voice....cause I missed him! I don't do that!!!! I'm not trying to like amp up my situation with this guy or anything, but I really want to be good to him and not lose him. I know it's still early in the relationship, but he's already broken my comfort zone and totally won me over.

It's really hard for me to be SO comfortable and friend-like with a boy so early in the relationship........hell and I can't EVER just sit in silence with a guy....that just DOESN'T happen with me. Not even half my friends can I sit in silence with. I mean I'm an active, bouncy, loud person....I need that kind of an atmosphere all the time, but with this guy....I can just sit next to him, my head on his shoulder, in the silence, and not move or say anything....and not fall asleep. Hell I just stare and smile and this guy ALL the time.....NOT LIKE ME! My friends can honestly vouch for the fact that I'm not exactly behaving like myself when I'm with him or thinking about him or heck anything involving him. It's not like everyday I find a guy who (and I quote tina) "you're twitterpated",,,,it's just not all that common with me.

I know I fall fast and hard.....always, but this I know is different. Much different than the norm for me. and I LIKE IT!

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 15:48:48 GMT

So I love my friend'd I really do, but it's one of those things that they suck at just being supportive. I know I fall fast and I fall hard. It's one of my biggest imperfections in my mind. It takes a lot tho for me to fall. I'm not so blinded by falling. Granted I have/do make that statement quite often, but it usually is something that once I've said outloud I realize isn't true about someone. I just wish I had more friends around here that knew me when I was with Shawn. That would make things so much easier. With Shawn I was always happy...hell we told each other we were in love with each other BEFORE WE STARTED DATING! So if my friends now could have seen that and know how that was probably one of the most influential relationships I've ever had. I'm not one who enjoys smiling, giggling, high school romance, just girly fairytale love. It's not cause I don't believe in it I actually believe in fairytale romance more than I believe in true romance. I just don't enjoy since Shawn died, cause ya know it's not really all that easy to enjoy the things that your first love got you to enjoy especially if you two didn't techinically break-up.

I know I stll love Shawn. I always will, but I've not smiled this much or been this retarded since him (well actually I wasn't even this bad with him). Every time I am around chris I feel like I'm in high school, well more like I'm watching one of those stupid shows (ie boy meets world, save by the bell, naturally sadie)only I'm in it. I'm acutally playing on of the high school characters. Actuing nervous, shy, scared, and worried while on a date. I'm not the type to get nervous or to be shy. It's not something I have in my DNA. I'm one of those people who just completely corrupts shy nice guys. Only this time I'm to nervous to be like that. I don't want to be that hardass "tough" girl with Chris. I actually want to be the sweet good girl I was with Shawn, only well better. I love what he says and how he means it. I get weak when I kiss him. I melt every time we hold hands and he just won't let go of mine....granted I don't want him too. It just means so much to me that when I tell him I'm kind of happy that he won't be there for the party...not because I don't want him there but becasue of how I know I am when I drink. I don't want to push the limits we have and I know if I'm drunk I would sure as hell try. He told me he would try to get me to fall asleep and just hold me all night before he would let it happen. I know with most guys this is a line, but this guy has something not EVERY other guy I've dated has. He's still very pure and innocent. I can trust he wouldn't lie to me.

I know I'm very niave when it comes to lots of stuff, but this are different with Chris. I don't think of him as a prince....like all the rest. He's not even a frog. He's the one I never expected. I'm just really happy that I've found him and he's in my life. Now all I have to do is just work on my patience thing and only take it one day at a time......

DEAR GOD THAT"S GOING TO BE HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No where else to post

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 16:58:08 GMT

I want to say it every night
Those words I fear
The ones that have scar'd me so well
Words have practicall killed me
I want to scream
I want the world to hear me say them
I want to tell you
At the most random of times
Just to see you smile
Just so you know
How my heart feels
How it stops when you aren't there
Or comes back in life faster than ever when you are
Look you right in the eyes
Tell you the words I fear
But I'm terrified
Afriad it's to early
I don't want to scare you
Or watch you walk away
But every night
That all I think
I dream of you
Wishing it were you not my pillow
Wanting to wake up next to you
I fear the rush
I don't want to move to fast
Pushing the envelope to far
Taking a step you aren't ready for
Making a move that could prove dangerous
I know those words power
The weight they carry with them
How when they are false they are painful
But when they are true they are magical
I know I've said them falsly before
I don't want you to be that case
Patience is not my virtue
But is a possiblity
In every chance the beginning feels it
Many times it's not there
After days weeks sometimes months you can really tell
Then sometimes you know it in the first moment
The first kiss or first real touch
The first time the moment just freezes
When everything stands still
Breath stops and heart fall
That's the moment
I feel everytime we're together
Catching myself just staring a smiling
Just watching you
Or finding that everyone and everything dissappears when you are there
How you turn my sad day to unexplained joy
Phone calls, text messages, or even unexpected IM's
Make my heart skip beats
Jumping is no longer my style
I'm careful when that four letter word is involved
I tread lightly on saying those three words
I don't like to fall without a net
Or being the first to say it
What happens if it's a one way street
If I'm the only one to feel that way
I can't jump and land on my feet
If I jump I don't want to hit the ground
I don't want to be crushed
So I'm scared
Even if I want to say it
I don't want to give added pressure
Or lose you
So I want to say it
But I'm scared!

Okay so yeah I had no where else to say this without getting crap for it. So yeah....it's been said and it's not been said.

Dropped

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 14:54:33 GMT

I always dreamed of a fairy tale ending for my life, but it seems that I'm just not lucky enough to be given that while I can enjoy it. That or I'm a joke and what feels like it's just way too good to be true get's taken away when I really start truely enjoying it. I understand anything and everything worth having should be worth fighting for as well, but this time there is WAY to much at stake to try and sacrifice. It's not so easy for me to just pack everything up and leave the ONLY place I know as home and move away. I have school, work, family, friends, everything I know here. But then there is the flip side of the coin....someone who I've grown very fond of and don't want to lose. I know how long distance works....been there done that. I've been through so many long distance relationships and most of them have failed because of the distance. I just know that this one would be one that wouldn't survive all that well because we've not been together long enough to know. He doesn't believe in having long distance either anyways...so yeah it doesn't much help. He said I could go with him, but I told him the same thing of it's not that simple. I really just don't know what's going to happen. He said within a week he could be gone and if that's true.....well looks like that next monday I'll be puffy-eyed emo little kid. I can't say goodbye again. Not to him! I've lost him once before and I'm not one to really forgive and forget, but yeah I know shit happened and I know he walked away for a while. BUT HE CAME BACK! He was the one who made the first move and innciated this. I never planned for him to come in to my world and never wanted him to effect me this way.

I knew I never have time when I first met him and now I do? I still don't have the time but I will give up anything to have the time. I didn't even think I would have the time to feel this. I honestly thought that I had all of this burried and frozen off so I wouldn't get caught or hurt this year. So I got caught and now I've got to catch myself. I can't let this go any farther. 'Cause let's say I do and well.....he leaves on friday. Then I'm the one left here not moving, not talking, not anything. Look I'm not even trying to say that this guy has some kind of universal effect on me or anything, but I am saying that he's been the only reason I've had lately to want to strieve for anything and make worth while at the moment. Hell he's already proven to have some mad/crazy effect on me when he bails on me like he did numerous times and then I still go right back to him. I say I'm a gultan for pain, but I'm not one that when I know something ISN'T worth my time...I don't waste my time. Lately tho, I've been trying to spend every waking moment with him that I can. I don't just skip school or leave early for him or anything, but I go see after class and after work and sometime even on my break at school. I can't fall for him anymore than I already have.

I am just not ready to lose another......

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 17:26:38 GMT

It feels like no one sees anymore. The fact that I have so much pain hidden. So many tears stained and dried on my face. That I'm in agony every second of every day. I just hurt so much and am sad all the time. I know it's only been THREE weeks, but still I feel like I'm dying. I give up! It's become as though all I am doing is just passing time until my body catches up with the rest of me and just dies. I thought for a brief second that MAYBE just MAYBE a good reason not to off myself would be Emma, but she's young enough should wouldn't know or understand. But then there is my father. Does he really deserve me to just leave him like that? The answer is no, but in the same do I deserve to have to stay around in all this pain and hate? The answer to that is no as well. It's just there is nothing i can do about it other than just keep on. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to hurt either! I want to be happy and smile and have someone who she has. Yes! That's what I said..."who she has". I'm jealous of my best friend right now....why? 'Cause she has this amazingly wonderful guy who cares for her and wants to be with her and she won't give him the chance. I would give up anything for a guy like him. Someone who doesn't care about the past and will do anything just to make you happy! That is non exsistant as far as I'm concerned...well atleast for me. I don't know maybe my karma is really bad and I'm getting everything I deserve. I just hate being empty and seeing everything I want walk away and die....For once I would like to honestly believe I'm not going to end up the crazy old lady, who never got married, who never had ONE relationship work out, and I have over a million cats. It's just my mind is raging on with thoughts.....of picking up my "pencil" and beginning to "draw" again. Making pretty faces and graffiti words all over the board. I just can't take it when I'm the one left falling to pieces at the end of the night all alone. I just crawl in to my bed, wrap up in my sweater and dad's blanket, curl into a tiny tiny ball, and just ball my eyes out until I'm so weak I just pass out. I can't keep living like this. I thought that days....well weeks and months and years like this were over for me. I truely believed that I was getting better and for once being sick was getting the best of me. I hate I really do! I hate being sick...I hate having this crutch in my life that really determines everything....even if I take my meds like I am supposed to it still won't keep it from happening. Talking about it only makes things worse. When they get me to talk it just brings back ALL the pain and everything. I'm fucking TWENTY-DAMN-YEARS-OLD but I feel like I've been dead for centuries because of this. I really wish that I could just die! That my time would come and that would be the end of it...and there was nothing to stop me. That would just make everything so much easier. Then no one would need to pretend anymore...everyone could just move on. No one would feel the need to have to include me on things. They could just keep forgeting as it should be. I just wish my mother had never gotten pregnant with me......things would have been so much nicer and I wouldn't be here.

I can't sleep

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 07:16:41 GMT

IT's happening again. I can't sleep the nightmares just keep getting more and more fierce and all I see is the accident over and over again no matter what. It's actually getting to the point where other accidents are starting to just pop in. I can't really take this much longer. I want to cut or something, but I can't. I'm just so scared. I have no one! No one to just sit with me while I shake and cry and pretty much break fully down. I can't even get anyone to answer their phone in hopes that I can get out of this. I'm so tired, but I just can't close my eyes. 'Cause once I close my eyes and start falling asleep the panic attack begins and I start freaking out and nearly stop breathing. I'm just so scared. The one guy too, the ONE MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE, that I thought might not be a total waste of air just treats me like shit when I ask him to be there for me. I was asking for something that he couldn't. I wasn't asking for him to just drop everything and take care of me...I was asking for him to just make sure I was okay. I mean it's not everyday you total one of your friend's cars. I mean I just really wanted him to sit there with me. Not kiss me or tell me it's okay or anything like that. I just want him to be there. But no he couldn't even do that. His *insert several loud curse words in mass amount* video game was more important than a friend who just slammed a truck into a pole and was currently unable to stand and may have wrecked her shoulder. But oh no why should he just not play for 15 minutes to come over and give her a hug and just make sure she knows that's it's okay. No that's not NEARLY as important as playing WoW. *due note the sarcasim* So I spent a good portion of the night sitting on Ryan's with ice on my shoulder in near tears over a guy who claims he wants to be with me and likes me a lot and all kinds of other bullshit. Why I don't know? I just almost with 6 stars didn't go back to school so soon.....but I have other reasons for that that I just can't get into.....I think I'm gonna go try and sleep again.....maybe maybe not

not even death can stop true love....only delay is a bit

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 07:29:04 GMT

I've truly had my faith restored in love because of him.....and this why...

So many times have I walked away from him and he's done the same, but not this time. We both are now taking that leep of faith and well...I've got more an a thousand words that picture. I honestly can thank my best friend (the chick one) for granting my one wish and helping my fairytale come true, I just hope I can do the same.

Every girl dreams of the man she'll marry. Will he be her best friend? Will he be a knight in shinning armor? Will he be everything she ever wanted? Will he be like her father? Just a few of the millions of questions we ask ourselves when we think of who we want to marry and be with, but I never thought that I will get all of them answered in just moments. I had no clue there was camera present when this was taken....actually to be truthful I had no clue anyone else exsisted. You always see in the movies how time just freezes rigth before the kiss and when two destined lovers finally get their moment. That one moment when time itself stands COMPLETELY still. It was like a movie....everything just stopped, but us. I couldn't even begin to tell you how crazy it felt and how unreal it seemed.

I found my heart, my soul, my best friend...the man I want! I know I sound crazy and I know I'm young, but I'm ready to take that step with him. Nothing in my life has ever stayed so fairytale and had this beginning. I love him! I want him! I will wait for him! Daniel A Powell is the one! I'll just be happy when he's home and everyone can see that it's not just another thing. This is where fairytales come from.......true love!

YAY QUIZES

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 04:55:54 GMT

Ur love makes a guy... by flop
Your Name...
Your Kiss...	makes guys fall in love with you
Your Eyes...	makes guys love u
Your Boobs...	Makes guys double take
Your Ass...	Makes guys wanna see ya move it slow motion
Your Laugh...	is sweet and makes guys laugh with u

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Username?
Your Love Is...	Fiery
During Lovemaking You Act...	Like a river, very refreshing
Your Partner Is...	Your master
Your Partner Has Said That You...	Are a great lover
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote.	"One must know how to seduce"

Quiz created with MemeGen!

How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
Name
...believe in true love?
Your hands say	With me, you'll never be lost.
Your eyes say	You're amazing.
Your hugs say	This is where you are meant to be.
Your kisses say	I am addicted to you.
Your body says	Just curl up next to me.
Your heart says	Te amo.

Quiz created with MemeGen!

How you say, "I love you." by stranger_in_paradise
Your name
Your love
Type of relationship
The way to say it	I love you, I always have.

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Are you secretly in love with your best friend? by chelle_belle
Your username
Your best friend
Answer	Yes, and he/she is in love with you. XD

Quiz created with MemeGen!

I HATE FUCKING SIGNS!!!!!!

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 04:35:55 GMT

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two are	Inseperable
Your meeting was by	Destiny
They are your	Protector
You are their	Best friend
Your love will	Be your strength

Quiz created with MemeGen!

It seems lately the no matter what I do...I can escape the signs of love. I know I love him and I know I've been in love with him for quite some time now. So why is it that I'm being slapped in the face with signs of him and I.....especially us being together. I took another stupid quiz that said he and I will get married. I'm not buying into it all, but at the same time I kind of am. I don't know if he and I will get married and live happily ever after, but I've made the joke to him before and as he says, we make some good lookin babies. It's just right now everything with him is hard enough so having all my answers be what I want.....is hard. I love him...I love him so much and right now with everything that's going on, not being able to be right there and really do nothing more then hold his hand......it's really hard. I know I have some selfish reasons behind why I want him to get better, but you know what to everyone who thinks thats the only reason.....FUCK YOU! I want him to get better and come home...not just for me but for his family too. Yes I do want him home because of me, but if you know me and know what I've gone through in my life and you know what's been going on with Daniel and I....well then ya know what I do believe I can be just a little selfish at wanting him home to see him. I mean it's not everyday I meet a guy who it takes me YEARS to realize that I fell for him first! Put is this way.....I always that it was Shawn, but Shawn wasn't the first one. More than anything I want my best friend home!

Shot me in the foot!

Thu, 18 May 2006 07:23:31 GMT

Why is it that I can't get over him? I know I've lost the game, well before I even got the chance to bat! I knew that with this ONE guy I could actually be successful enough to make a home run and win the game. Yet, sadly I've scared him off....just like I predicted and now I'm going to be the one sitting and moping and being all emo. I hate it! I can't really do much to change the situation, merely for the fact that I won't be able to see him. The only I'll get is when he comes back into town over the summer, but if he's not talking to me now, what makes me believe he'll talk to me then and that I will get to see him. I'm just so ready to die! Everything is reminding me of him....and causing to get worse. I just............

Stab me in the EYE

Tue, 09 May 2006 13:30:31 GMT

So far my day has SUCKED! and isn't looking like it's going to improve! I've yet to go to bed since like 11 YESTURDAY MORNING. I'm think I'm just not going to go to bed either. I'm up...I'm stressed...and I'm ready to kill. I have to go deal with retards at the nextel store, wait for my dad to bring me a spare..so I can fix my car, and I've got to attempt to remain calm through ALL of this. Not to mention I would like to know why myspace is being uber retarded and not showing up the graphic I'm trying to upload for someone. I swear I want to stab myspace at the moment....it's aggrivating! I work on this pimp setup for him...exactly what he wants and now it's not showing up OTHER THAN in the preview in safe mode! This isn't cool. All of that on top of getting over the stomach flu...really makes for a sucky weekend. There was maybe one or two "perks" teehee!

This has been my day so far....randomness with friends...then take the boi home *wink wink* and then drive home...early (for me anyways)...well I drive home and what do you know...I some how manage to BLOW my tire to all hell...it's SHREDED! So that gives me a nice shock hearing it pop on my way home...so I'm freaking and AWAKE....til yeah now...and then some. I try to bore myself by surfing the web and getting tired....didn't happen. I force myself to go upstairs to bed at like 5am....I starred at my ceiling and tossed and turned for an hour....so I gave up..got dressed. I went down stairs to the living room started to work on some yoga/meditation/karate/ballet zen exercising.....it's this crazy exercise thing I found back when I study hinduism...it's really great for centering and calming one's self. I do that for abotu 45 minutes and practice some breathing techinics and then I just get frusterated..and go to my car. I set down on a stool on the wet grass and start to losen my bolts. Thus beginning the process of taking of my tire. Basically at SEVEN-FUCKING-A.M. I was changing the tire on my car. Only to remember I don't have a workable spare. So I have no care...and all other kinds of bad. Now I'm just hangin out and waiting for my dad to show up and say he has me a fixed spare and I have a car again...otherwise....yeah....I'm going to CRY!....and it's only 8:27 am.....not a good start!

Wed, 03 May 2006 15:54:02 GMT

What do you do when you think you have a problem completely analyzed, know all the factors and you have it pretty much solved and worked out, but then out of NO WHERE a completely new factor is added into the equation and you are one again confused?

This would be my love life, yet once more! I'm not dating any one (that's the good thing), but I do have one very wonderully imperfect guy who I do care so deeply for. While at the same time it's like I've just added a new flavor of ice cream to my choices, and he's a really great flavor and I'm not sure what to do. I know I care for Alaska (imperfect guy), but I don't know if I want to walk away from this situation I am in with Reynolds (ice cream flavor). It's not like we're having like great earth shattering sex or anything....it's really so not even that. It's more that I can sit there and just lay with him and talk to him and stay up til ungodly hours and not even notice. It's almost like being with Tony, only we get distracted by each other and it's actually nice. There are so many things that are awesome about it. ~ B ~ U ~ T ~ at the same time, I really don't want to hurt Alaska. He's my best friend and he's been there for me on so many things. I don't want to lose him and I'm fearing for it at the moment. I also think that if he were to come back and Reynolds wasn't a factor and I said yes to being with him (as in a relationship) how painful the beginning would be. I mean he's stationed in ALASKA and leaving for Iraq in october...I do want to be the one he comes home to, but I don't want to be placing my life, my heart, my world, my everything....on hold for close to two years waiting on him....it's not fair. I just don't know what I should do when he and I talk. He still gives me all kinds of butterflies and stuff, but I don't want to go through months let alone years...without ANY kind of REAL contact. If he and I started dating, once he left at the end of his two weeks, it would be just like if I became nun like I said. I will wait for him and everything, but I can't put my whole life on hold while I'm waiting for him. ~ T ~ H ~ E ~ N ~ A ~ G ~ A ~ I ~ N ~ I don't know my complete feelings towards Reynolds...I just no he confuses me and technically everything that has been happening between us (as in our current visual appearence of a relationship) is the same thing I've been dreaming about, literally. My dreams lately...I want to say are about Alaska, but if you look at how Reynolds and I act around each other and treat other....it's like practically the same. One minute we're sweet and cuddled up, five seconds later we're tickling each other and make each other laugh, then like 7 seconds we're in a deep converstation. It's crazy, but really cool! I told Reynolds all of this last nite. So he knows where I stand and how I feel and stuff....so we shall see what happens. Okay...I've written enough....

Hell YES!

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 03:51:20 GMT

<td align="center">katie's sexual nickname:

"Playboy Bunny"

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

my sex nickname biatches! how much does that one kick ass! I've always wanted to be a bunny

It's too damn early.....

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 13:51:58 GMT

Okay so I do have good news, I got my ring back...YAY! As well as I had a fabulous revelation that very same nite...it was quite beautiful. It wasn't so much getting the ring back to wear as much as it was to completely close the door. See I replaced my ring back in december/january time....not cause I thought it would help, but because I really wanted to be wearing "my ring". Now when I say replaced I meant when to a shop in New Jersey...that was the VERY same shop as the one in Ireland (that's where my ring came from). I bought an exact replicate of my ring. The biggests differences in them...one came DIRECTLY from ireland...the other did, but wasn't bought there. So yeah, I get "my ring" back and realize I don't want to wear it anymore...not because he had it or anything, but more because of the fact that what I thought was the reason I wanted that ring back...wasn't. I had physically replaced that ring, but emotionally and everything I hadn't. So I wear my replicate rather then my actual ring....but it's okay. I think the fact that the one door I was so terrified of letting close...is now closed...and I'm still standing. If you knew the whole story or were "lucky" (note for sarcasim)to watch me go through it...you would know that yeah my life got severely whirlwinded. I've some what managed to get a semi-level head on myself tho. I think all the shit that he did to me and then me doing the me thing and going way off the edge and slamming really hard to the ground. Best thing ever for me! I saw all the horrible things I did/was doing...and it kind of kicked me in the ass and now I'm paying for it? no that's not right......I'm repaying for it. I've owned up to my mistakes and I've apologized for hurting a really great guy (who really never deserved what I did and I never really deserved him). It's really crazy cause I'm trying this new thing called growing up or maturing...whatever it's just crazy. Who knows maybe one day I will be fully grown up or maybe I'll just keep saying that and it will NEVER happen! Okay....it's getting later in the morning and I do have work....but I've been up since SIX-fucking-THIRTY!!!! I'm going to finish getting ready and then I'm going to go to work.....yay (note the enthusiasm)

random quizes

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 16:50:31 GMT

Your Aura is Orange

Your Personality: A total daredevil, you'll try any thrill. You're easily bored and you prefer to be on the go.

You in Love: You see love as an adventure, and you find most men dull. You need a man who challenges you!

Your Career: Your ideal job is flexible, fun, and maybe a little dangerous. You have the makings of a private investigator or extreme athlete.

What Color Is Your Aura?

You are Dark Chocolate

You live your life with intensity, always going full force.
You push yourself (and others) to the limit... you want more than you can handle.
An extreme person, you challenge and inspire the world!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

You Should Be With an Air Sign!

Your best match is a Gemini, Libra, or Aquarius

Why? You crave excitement and playful banter
Only an Air Sign can match your wit - and keep you on your toes
As for fun, an Air Sign guy will show you plenty? with tons of surprises
Just be sure to introduce him to some new playful experiences as well!

What Sign Should You Date?

Grow a pair

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 16:27:10 GMT

So today is the day that I'm going to try and get my ring back...I highly doubt he's going to have it on him, which is fine but maybe I can get lucky enough for him to actually set a time and give it back to me. I don't want to start a war or anything, but I will if I have too. How I have pretty much got everything pieced out is that I will go up there tonight, be cordial, and just merely ask for my ring back. I won't threaten him or anything, UNLESS he provaks(sp) me. Even then it won't be anything too definate. I will just simply tell him if he doesn't give it back he will regret that. I'm not going to say anything other then that....which won't give him to much to work with. If he truly did lose my ring, which is a very strong possiblity and something I'm begin to believe more and more...then atleast I will know. The not knowing part I think has been the hardest for me. I may have gotten to replace my ring with an exact duplicate, but it's still not the one I want. I will never be able to replace it....so if I can have it back...yay; if I have to kill, will you come visit me in prison?

Sinuses SUCK

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 18:28:50 GMT

OKay so yeah....I knew yesturday I was getting a sinus infection does my mother listen to me, no...she tells me I'm just sneezing. Then I wake up this moorning, my heading slamming with preasure, I can't breath, and I feel so icky.....she should have listened!

Yeah so I'm not actually going to dwell on that and everything...I'm more or less going to just rant...so it's not important enough to commit this entry to memory....

I found out last nite, that my ex is working back at the mall....at the same store we met in too. I'm a little nervous about that cause well....it's one of my favorite stores and I really don't want to have to worry. Tarbear told me that he's gotta have balls to even come back here....so yeah I thinks she's right and I shouldn't try and kick him more whiles he's down. So I'm going to take my darling daughter's advice and just go ask him for my ring back (yeah the one he's had for like two years and has yet to give back). I am not going to say anthing else to him or anything like that...I'm just going to ask him and find out where it is. I am really ready to close that door and put him in the past. I will admit that part of me does still love him and hope he still feels the same and he'll wanna take me back, but I know that is also the part of me that is clinging on the the hope of why he has my ring. He really did a number over on me, and I did about the same thing to someone else.....and I feel so wrichidly (sp) horrible about it. Thus the reason I really don't wanna go up and see him to ask for my ring back alone. There are still some fierce feelings inside me towards/for him....so I don't know what I might actually do. I would like to say that I will be strong and not do anything I might/will regret....but then there is this you know bad-ass wannabe part that wants to just kill him! I'm really hoping for the best. It's like the only part of my life I've not really gotten to "heal" from....no I've not gotten to close that door is a better way to put it. He has the only piece of my past that I really do need back...and until I get it...I don't think it's a safe thing to be in a relationship to. Cause the last few have been nothing but compared to him...and that's not fair or right...so yeah.

I could die......like right now

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 06:39:58 GMT

So I've been sentenced to try six months of being single....I know I can do it, but I'm just afraid of what will happen when he comes home and it's perfect and I don't want to finish my sentence. I'm going so crazy missing him....like EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to see him...and be with him....hell I would be just as satisified if all I could get was to be his friend. I've admitted to myself how I feel and probably felt for some time...and I'm ont scared. I'm fucking pertified out of my damn MIND!!!!! I care so much about him and for him and I know he cares and everything for me....but it's still one of those things.....what happens if I lose? I'm being a lonely loser again I know.....but if you knew you would understand. I got to see all my friends tonite and yet I still felt so outside and so alone...it was very breaking. I forgot how much they meant/mean to me. I wish I had more time with them and had them around more often....but hey we don't always get what we want.... Damnit....I'm still being whiny sad moppy girl....shot me!

Omg! My head hurts......

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 16:18:00 GMT

My head is absolutely killing me and I so feel like I am about to puke. I found out this week....more like this morning that my ex is moving to Germany. No matter what anyone says I know that I am a big reason why Germany. It's killing me....I know he's my ex and everything, but it's one of those things that no one knew what was all involved in our relationship and not to mention everything I went through with him. There is a lot more that is going to go unsaid and it's just really effecting me more than just about anyone could know. I know of two of my friends who know me well enough and know almost everything that was going on in the relationship that would be able to understand...the depth of why this is killing me. So it's not really helping me that all of this is going down. The second he told me I was ready to die or atleast find something sharp to dull the pain. So yeah, my hearts like breaking so bad right now....it's really not even funny. The hard part is that there is someone else and there has been for quite some time and I've just never really faced those feelings for him and he's never really done the same for me. So feeling such pain right now but then at the very same time being so stupidly overly joyed that is almost sickening (but in a good way).....KIND OF HARD TO DEAL WITH!!!!! Not to mention I don't have a best friend here.......the only one close enough is in gainesville.....and doesn't know how to answer her phone! When our friendship first started....we actually were like sisters more then anything.....minus the stupid fighting. Now we aren't as close as I would like, but hopefully I can change that while she's home over summer vacation. Okay....I'm gonna go...cause the lack of sleep and massive amount of shaking......not helping the typing thing....